Dear Ryan

I'm ALIVE (just not in the blogging world)

2012-01-09T01:12:00.001-07:00

Wow, where do I EVEN begin? I'm SO behind!

I remember talking about posting pictures from LAST Christmas- ahhhhhh!

*NO BUENO*

Well, let me first start off by saying that we are doing great- we are healthy, happy and still feeling VERY blessed.

So much has happened and I have just been too busy to blog (well, I'll let you in on the real reason in just a bit). I would post LOTS and LOTS of pictures, but that actually takes time to find some, upload them, it's late and I'm lazy... so here is the quickest 5 month review:

* Hallie got baptized in July, started 3rd grade and reads like CRAZY

*Max is still silly as ever, loves playing with Lego's on a daily basis and learned how to ride a bike

*I decided to give dating a try and was lucky to meet a really wonderful guy. We started dating and got engaged in November (no wedding date set yet)

*After much thought and prayer, we packed up and MOVED to IDAHO. This was a huge decision because we were so happy and content in Arizona. Although we really miss our "family" in Arizona, we have loved being in Idaho and couldn't be happier!

*Hallie started at her NEW school and loves it (her teacher and friends are great!)

*Max is so very bored without his BEST bud around, he LOVES his older sister!

*I have been busy making the house our HOME...

Okay so here are some pictures because I can't make a post without pictures ;)

My two little loves:

All is so VERY, very well.

***

Miss you babe
I think you're happy knowing how happy we are right here, right now...

*Miss and love you always*

Lots of HAPPENINGS...

2011-09-30T21:12:00.004-07:00

Wow... where do I even begin. I am SO behind!

Ahhhhhhhh...

All I can say is, life is REALLY good right now.

We are enjoying the cooler AZ weather, school and routines are in full swing, photo shoots and friends are keeping me busy and most importantly, health and happiness are at its PEAKS right now.... I can't complain!

Heavenly Father continues to fill us all with peace and bounteous blessings.

I am SO grateful

♥

I can't have a post with NO pictures... so I'm jumping ahead and just going to post some photos from little Ms. Hallie Mae's baptismal photo shoot:

♥

Blog posts galore coming soon. There is SO much catching up to do ;)

Babe, I miss you incredibly, but I have a feeling you are smiling down on all of us right now.

I love you, ALWAYS

SO happy!!!!

2011-07-25T18:53:00.006-07:00

I couldn't be more excited for the month of July to come. It's your baby girl's birthday month and a pretty important one at that- she is turning 8 and getting baptized. It is now time to pull out these special items and wrap the MOST important gifts your baby girl is going to get :)

How grateful I am that you took the time to make the kids these videos for their major milestones/Birthdays.

I cannot wait to hear the words of love and advice you will give Hallie. What a special gift!

*AND*

Since Hallie will be receiving a set of scriptures as part of her birthday/baptismal gift, you wrote her a special letter

I still am in AWE of everything you did for the kids and I before you passed.

You ARE AMAZING.

Thank you for helping to make this day so special

♥Loves you MUCHO♥

I'm BACK...

2011-07-15T06:28:00.012-07:00

Wow, almost a 2 month hiatus from blogging- BUSY, fun, much needed Summer break and LOVING it!

Let's go back a little bit to May... it was ROUGH. Like I've said in the past, I have had moments that were hard, but nothing beyond that. However, May's "moments" seemed to last just a TAD bit longer, like ALL month long- YUK! I was missing you like crazy, had some decisions to make, had a heavy heart and was feeling a little lost. Thank goodness for answered prayers- I have WONDERFUL friends here who were my pick-me-up when I needed it most. They let me cry, vent (basically ramble), all while talking me through things and making me laugh. I needed them more than ever during that time and I am so grateful they were there for me.

Although my friends helped me get through many rough patches, I still had a lot going through my mind. I have never really loved how early the kids start school here, but I do LOVE how early they get out. So, the day after Hallie finished school, we left on a 6 week vacay. Boy was it NEEDED... it saved my sanity and left me feeling VERY rejuvenated.

So what were we up to?

We went to one of your FAVORITE places... Wyoming

SO beautiful!

While there, we went to Utah and Idaho to visit family and friends. Then we flew back home to AZ and quickly packed up to head out to California for more family time.

The beach is SO relaxing and peaceful...LOVE IT!

We had a BLAST during all our travels visiting family and friends

♥ I LOVE FAMILY ♥

So what are we up to now?

Busy, Busy, Busy

Enjoying the rest of summer and preparing for lots of company. There are some special things going on at the end of this month- a little someones 8th birthday and Baptism

BUT, busy is always good!

It feels good to be back home...

A year ago today...

2011-05-17T00:12:00.001-07:00

I still remember that day, it is so vivid in my mind. It was early in the morning and I can see the dim lamp on in the room, the shadows of everything else all around. I decided to crawl into your bed and say a few things...

During your fight with cancer, we talked about EVERYTHING and ANYthing. There was nothing left undiscussed. From the sad, to the serious, to the funny and happy topics, we talked about it ALL. But on this very morning one year ago, I still wanted you to know ONE more time how I felt.

As I lay there next to your tired, resting body, I began by thanking you. I was in awe of everything you had been through and the way you carried yourself through it all. Years of serious complications from your Chron's Disease, to your almost 1 year battle with cancer, you NEVER complained. I thanked you for your courage to keep fighting, when it would have been easy to give up. You continually remained faithful, hopeful and optimistic. You are an example that I will never forget and only hope to emulate as time continues to go on. I thanked you for taking such great care of the kids and I. You were our provider from day one, and you did everything in your power to make sure we had the things we needed and yes, wanted too ;) I was so grateful for that final trip we took to California just days before and I thanked you for giving me that time. I was so lucky to have found someone so wonderful and good to me. I was so thankful for the 9.5 years you blessed my life. I couldn't have asked for someone better to be the father of our children. How thankful I was for your devotion to our family. I know it was your family that helped keep you going during that last year and I was extremely thankful for that.

Next, I told you how much I loved you. I married my best friend, you truly were the light of my life. You made me the happiest at times and drove me crazy at times, but no matter what, our love was SO strong. I told you EVERY day that I loved you- there was NO doubt that I loved you with all my heart. But the moment the Dr told us this was going to be the "end," I made sure to say "I LOVE YOU'' at every chance I had. Every time you opened your eyes and EVERY time they closed again, I made sure to say it because I never knew when it would be the last. I love you babe, always and forever.

Then came the hardest words to say...

If it was time, then it was time.

I told you that I was okay with everything- you had fought long and hard enough and your poor body was SO tired. I wanted you to know that the kids and I would be okay. Of course we would ALL miss you like crazy, but that we would be okay. I thanked you some more, told you I love you some more and I am sure said a million more things to you, but those things are for you and I to always hold close to our hearts, remember and cherish forever...

I got out of bed, gave your head a kiss and laid down on the couch next to you and watched you sleep.

The rest of morning/day was spent watching your tired body sleep until it was time. Watching those final breaths was so heartbreaking, but lovely at the same time because I KNEW where you were going. I KNEW that you were finally at peace and could live full of life and joy until we are reunited once again. At that very moment, I had a peace come over me that has NEVER left and I am so eternally grateful for that.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder what you are up to. I often find myself wondering what you would have done or said in particular situations and find myself laughing at my response. When I am frustrated with something, I find myself talking out loud asking you to help me out. On the other hand, when I am really happy and proud about something, I find myself squealing in excitement asking if you are just as proud and/or happy for the kids and I too. I miss having my best friend, my lover, my helper, my tease, my confidant, my peacemaker, my light and my love by my side, but i know you are there. At the end of the day, when I get into bed without you, I give thanks that I had 8.5 years to have you by my side.

Thank you.

I love you.

and of course...

I WILL see you again.

Love and MISS you so very, very much.

{Ryan's Life slide show}

Lastly, Happy Birthday to your sweet Mom.

Debra, I hope this day is full of love and peace.

Thank you for raising such a beautiful, beautiful boy...

With all my heart Babe- i LOVE you.

Love,

I laugh, I cry, I smile...

2011-05-06T06:59:00.002-07:00

I already knew some boy in Hallie's class liked her and she kinda liked him. But whatever, it would probably only last a day anyways, so NO BIGGIE.

That was until she brought home THIS, from a different boy:

I smiled, laughed out loud and THEN, it hit me.

W-H-A-T?!?!?!?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I don't want this yet.

Yes, she is a cutie pie. BUT, she is also my BABY and I don't think I am ready for this. Not now and not ANY time soon.

Days like this, make me miss you in a happy way. They make me wonder what you would have said to Hallie and what we would have said to one another about it. For sure you'd tease her like CRAZY, but then.... ?!?

Then it hits me {once again} that it is now May and your anniversary date is just around the corner. It will be here in less than 2 weeks and I can't help but cry because I miss you SO much.

Your voice, your touch, your smirkey little grin, your silliness, your helpfulness, your hard work, your love, your light and those gorgeous blue eyes- I just miss everything!

There is not a DAY that goes by that I don't think about you, but thank goodness for memories. I have 9.5 years of happiness stored up to bring a smile to my face :)

Missing and loving you, ALWAYS

~Love you Ry~

Fun in the SUN

2011-04-25T22:09:00.002-07:00

This marks our 1st year of a sisters trip and we already can't WAIT for next years. We decided this year to meet up in Indio, CA, which was a reasonable meeting place for all of us.

As soon as we got in, it was time for the pampering to begin...

We all had an hour long massage and it was GREAT! {Okay, I lie... there were a few times I had to hold my breath because the pressure was a little TOO intense and downright painful. But other than that, it was great!}

We then checked into the condo...

Worldmark @ Indio, CA

This location was BEAUTIFUL. I would have NEVER guessed I was in the middle of the desert- a true oasis!

We enjoyed our dinner around the jacuzzi and then went back to the room where we stayed up till 1:30 chatting. {This makes me laugh even writing that. I remember when 1:30am was just the beginning of our nights. Ya, NOT anymore- that's what having kids (and old age) will do to you!}

We woke up the next morning, headed to the gym and then came home for breakfast.

The cooks:

{Jen, Anna, Jess}

Then headed to the pool for some sun

{note to self: NEVER wear spf 4 on areas that have not seen sun in 10+ yrs}

After laying out, we went straight to get our pedi's and eat lunch

Sushi @ Frankie's

{Annalee, Jessica, Jennifer}

Quail eggs anyone?!?

NO-THANK-YOU

My lunch:

Most delish tempura shrimp rolls EVER

We went to the grocery store to find the most AMAZING candy/bulk food isle.

And YES, the idiom 'a kid in the candy store' was a literal experience for us- overwhelming and awesome!

The rest of the trip was spent at the condo in the lazy river/pools, laying out and eating...

when we got too hot, we cooled off with some Pina Colada slushies from the Market

The meals we made were SO simple and SO good

and of course, what is a celebration without "CHEERS"?!?

Mmmmmmmm....

Store bought pizza and salad never looked SO good...

On our final night, we headed to the Mexicali Cafe for dinner

Saw a beautiful sunset

ate to our little hearts content

♥SISTERS ♥

Can't wait for Sisters Weekend 2012...

I feel so lucky to be a part of such a wonderful family...

Love you babe and that AMAZING fam of yours!

PS- i LOVE this song. It's one of those songs that the beat alone makes me so incredibly happy. Then the lyrics- LOVE IT!

"This is just a journey

Drop your worries

You are gonna turn out fine.

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine...

I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh...

Only rainbows after rain

The sun will always come again.
Its a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again. "

"Keep Your Head Up" -Andy Grammer

Easter

2011-04-24T19:59:00.007-07:00

The TRUE meaning of Easter:

Happy EASTER

What a blessing it is to know that we will be a family, FOREVER...

I blogged...

2011-04-18T22:40:00.007-07:00

On your blog, with a smile on my face...

and it felt SO good!

Selfishness, tears and never-ending LOVE...

2011-04-13T22:36:00.024-07:00

Over the past month and a half, laziness and I have became good friends.

I got very used to lying around while reading, surfing the net, writing the occasional blog post and just "resting." {I sound like quite the winner, huh?!?} So when my leg could finally handle being in a position OTHER than elevated, I knew it was time to start work again...

So after a busy past couple of weeks, I finished up with these yesterday:

and boy does it feel SO good to be done!

After several consecutive full days and late nights of work, I was ready for a break!

So, on my way out of the grocery store today, I got myself a DVD to go home and watch. Usually, if I am to watch a movie, I do so after the kids are in bed. BUT, not today...

I came home and let Max put on a movie in the play room and I selfishly, sat down and began watching my movie. There was laundry to be folded, carpets needing vacuuming and probably 20 MORE things I could have done, but as I sat there like a LAZY BUM, I didn't feel remotely guilty about my decision or my actions.

It's OK to be selfish sometimes.

...and selfish I will be at the upcoming girls trip planned with your 3 BEAUTIFUL sisters! We are ALL very excited for our weekend getaway. Since this is a childless trip, I look forward to no whininess, no fighting and lots of uninterrupted conversations. I guess there could still be all of that, but at least it won't be from kids{ha ha} JUST kidding! I have started to feel sad about leaving the kids because I know I will miss them. However, the thought of being able to be COMPLETELY selfish and NOT feel guilty about it is a strange, but VERY welcomed feeling.

GEEZ, I hate how guilt so easily creeps its way into things!

So feeling kinda sad/guilty about leaving the kids and wanting to do something fun before I leave, I decided to take the kids out to dinner tonight. As we sat there talking and eating our pita bread with the yummy Tzatziki sauce and hummus, I started feeling weird. I tried to push whatever feelings aside and just focus on being with the kids- YAY!

Except "YAY" was NOT how I felt, I felt more like "blehhhhhh"

I kept trying to tell myself that we were out to have a GOOD time

It WASN'T working.

My eyes started to well up with tears and I was trying like MAD to hold them back. At that moment, I knew what the underlying cause of this sadness was- I felt empty. I looked around the restaurant and it was NOTHING but families/couples. Yes, I was there with our little family, but a BIG part of that family was missing, and it hurt.

I felt alone in my sadness, as everyone else there seemed so happy and content. {It was one of those, I just want to crawl into bed, feel sorry for myself and cry moments} Luckily, the two little munchkins saved me- I found myself frustrated with their craziness and laughing at their silliness and with that, the pain eased. I was able to continue on with the night and enjoy myself with the kids. We DID have a good time! {I must also thank the person who texted me with some Vanilla Ice lyrics for making me smile too- that was pretty funny!}

How grateful I am though for our two little cutie pies that keep me going each day.

They give me something to smile about {and yes, sometimes be frustrated and frazzled about}, but I love them to pieces.

I love them, just as I love you and

Some things, will NEVER change...

Words that inspire...

2011-04-03T15:22:00.002-07:00

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted... All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire..."

-Orson F. Whitney

LoVe...

2011-03-26T07:55:00.010-07:00

I didn't just celebrate a Valentine's DAY, it was more like a Valentine's WEEK and each day, my heart became more and MORE full...

It began with cards in the mail and phone calls and when Friday night rolled around, I was going out with Jon and Jen {my "other" family}

I spend MOST Sunday nights at their house for dinner and you will usually find us laughing about SOMEONE or SOMETHING- it's a riot over there. They have two daughters, that are more like little sisters to me, both whom I tease and scold {when necessary}. Jen watches Max so I can work, and she also accompanies me to run errands during the week {because having friends around makes ANYTHING more fun!}

So naturally, when they asked if they could take me out, I said YES! I LOVE spending time with them.

We had a great time discussing different things, teasing each other and laughing the night AWAY. I still have a smile thinking about part of our convo from that night- Good times... Good times!

LOVE you guys!

♥

I know I have expressed myself before about how much my friends take care of the kids and I- no amount of THANKS will EVER be enough! But what has continued to impress me the most, are the several male friends of ours who have repeatedly taken the kids and spent quality time with them. It's one of those needs that I would EVER ask someone to fulfill and thankfully, these people have just stepped right up to help. These people are NOT trying to take your place, but they understand the way it helps the children to still have that male figure in their life. As I was expressing my thanks to one of these people, he said, "If this happened to me, I would want someone do this for my girls. "

I can only imagine the appreciation and love you have for these people as well. It means more than they will EVER fully understand and {I KNOW for a fact} it has meant SO much to the kids to have these people in their lives.

I will always be FOREVER GRATEFUL to Tom W, Brian B, Shane T and their AMAZING families!

~Thank YOU~

♥

The next night, Hallie was going out to the Father/Daughter Valentine's Dance with Cora and Brian.

Hallie and Coralee

Growing up- :( but still SUPER stinkin' cute- :)

The girls with their Valentines date

Heading off to a night of dancing, food and fun...

Upon arrival they received their corsages

and spent the remainder of the night having F-U-N:

Thank you Brian and Cora for a memorable night!

MUCH love to the B family

♥

Then Sunday night came and the kids got their Valentines all ready for school:

Hallie gave Max and I our Valentine's early

We each received a note:

accompanied by this as our gift:

WHAT a sweetheart... I just LOVE her to pieces!

♥

When the kids were sound asleep, I heart attacked their doors:

set out their V-day surprises:

The kids woke up excited for Valentine's Day

Showing off some of their Valentine's gifts:

Who do WE ♥ in our family?!?

As Hallie got off to school, I heard some honking but didn't think much of it...

I laughed SO hard when I saw what these girls DID again!

I LOVED it!

They also embellished our mailbox

Such a simple and cute little flare to my mailbox. I liked the added touch so much, that it's STILL there:)

*Thanks Brooke and Mindy*

Love you BOTH!

♥

Some of my good friends stopped by to show me more V-day love...

Chocolate, perfume {my new favorite one} and a cute lil' bear

some of my FAVE waxy chocolate, with some super cute earrings, nail polish and a soda ;)

Thank you Deij and Tara for thinking of me...

~Love you both~

♥

The day was going WONDERFULLY and I had just sat down to start working. I have a picture of US that sits on my work desk and I see it every day. It's such an important picture/day- we were celebrating your 30th birthday. There was so much happiness and love that embodies that moment in time. Normally, the picture brings a smile to my face, but on V-day, it made me feel truly brokenhearted. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face, feeling sorry for myself and definitely MISSING YOU! I needed you, I wanted YOU. I then thought of JUST the thing that could help- my Build a Bear. I listened to your message and it gave me the comfort and reassurance I needed to continue on with the day...

About and hour had gone by and I was still working when I heard the doorbell ring. I had NO idea who would be coming over mid-day since I wasn't expecting anyone.

I crack open the door to find a little old man bending over and ask, "Are you Margie Hess?"

"Uh, Ya!" {kinda confused}

"Great! THESE are for you... watch out, it's VERY heavy."

and then he picks these up and hands them to me:

WOW {yes super heavy, but can we say GORGEOUS!!!}

So bright and SO very BEAUTIFUL

I was OVERjoyed

I couldn't WAIT to read the card...

It said:

Dear Margie,

I love you so much.

I am Thinking about You.

Love,

You know who

...and I just LOST it!

THANK YOU, thank you Brian and Mindy for making me feel so special and SO loved!

~Love you guys~

After receiving those GORGEOUS flowers, I didn't think my day could get any better...

I had just gotten back from being at the pool and was starting dinner. I decided to check my phone and realized I had a few missed calls. One of the calls was from a florist saying that some flowers were left with my neighbor across the street.

More flowers?!?

I think I had a smile from ear to ear at that point. When my neighbor brought me this arrangment, I couldn't STOP smiling.

The arrangement was very big and very pretty. I think I had a perma-smile stuck on my face for the rest of the night.

Some of your best buds sent them to me and I really appreciated their thoughtfulness.

~Thank you CBS boys~

♥

And of course, we couldn't finish the day without some of this:

~Cheers to LOVE~

♥

My night concluded with my super cute and good friend Sarah coming over to keep me company as we watched some prime time TV. We got to watch some desperado's "trying" to find love...

All in all, I had an Ah-mazing day.

Being loved TRULY is a wonderful feeling!

♥

Babe,

"You'll always be a part of me

and I'm part of you indefinitely

Boy don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on

Time can't erase a feeling this strong...

Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

You and I will ALWAYS be..."

♥

Plain White T's- Rythm of Love

Mariah Carey- You'll always be my baby

31st Birthday Celebrations...

2011-03-20T11:17:00.005-07:00

What a fun-filled day...

It began with the kids opening gifts

We were going to BUILD-a-BEAR!

{Before Ryan passed away, some very sweet friends gave Ryan 3 Build-a-Bear voice recorders so he could leave messages for us. Along with those recorders, they also gave us a gift card so we could get animals for those recorders to go inside. After returning from the funeral in Wyoming, I took the kids to B-a-B to get our animals. I couldn't WAIT to hear the messages Ryan had left for each of us! Needless to say, the kids sleep with their animals EVERY night and go to sleep hearing Ryan tell them how much he loves them}

The kids were SO excited to go to B-a-B. Hallie got two VERY pink clothing items for Rainbow {her unicorn that has eyes "JUST like Daddy,"as she says}. Max on the other hand wanted NOTHING to do with the clothes. He walked away with a pair of skis/poles, roller skates and a fishing pole with magnetic fish for Fluffy {the panda}.

*So fun*

Once we finished there, it was time to head off to the Ostrich Farm.

If you are from the Tucson or surrounding area, pay a visit to the Ostrich Farm. It's rather inexpensive and fun for ALL ages.

BEWARE

...and boy, they DO! Max found out the hard way :(

Here are some of the animals you can see/feed at the farm:

{UGLY} Ostriches

{Cute} deer and donkeys

{Crazy} goats and lorikeet

Food for the animals:

EVERY time I see Max's face in the following picture, I can't help but laugh...

PRICELESS

{these birds may look cute and friendly, but they are kinda crazy lil' birds. They peck at one another if one comes too close to getting some food and if you try to shoo them away, they have no problems taking a peck at YOU- Watch OUT!}

Your mom enjoying the Lorikeet love

Once we fed all the animals, we headed off to the "Peanut Butter place":

I know this probably wasn't your FAVORITE place to eat, but this was a place you very much enjoyed- my country boy definitely loved his STEAK and potatoes :)

The peanuts that make Texas Roadhouse the "peanut butter place," the YUMMY rolls and your FAVORITE steak sauce:

We finished up at Texas Roadhouse and headed to the store for some balloons.

{At the burial in Wyoming, we had over 2 dozen balloons family wrote messages on so we could send them off to you} Since then, for major holidays/events we have continued the same tradition...

Heavenly messages...

~Love YOU~

We let the kids pick out a movie and had MOVIE NIGHT. A tradition that you started with the family that we have continued {and LOVE} every week.

Watching 'Around the World in 80 Days'

Although it was NOT my birthday, I received some very thoughtful gifts:

Several family members wrote me letters about YOU- what a wonderful {and cherished} present to receive. In those letters they talked about you, your example and the inspiration you have been and will continue to be. Then, we had a wonderful surprise at the door with an Edible Arrangements from your siblings. Such thoughtful and DELSIH gifts

Thank YOU guys for thinking of us on Ry's day!

Your birthday stuff on display:

It was now time for some CAKE :)

"Happy Birthday to YOU

Happy Birthday to YOU

Happy Birthday DEAR Ryan/Daddy

Happy BIRTHDAY to you"

After we ate some cake, we opened the smaller part of your birthday gift:

a new, shiny key ring for your truck keys.

The rest of your present wouldn't be coming for another 2 weeks....

Part of your Birthday morning was spent taking the truck in to get an estimate of how much all the internal repairs would cost- Oh, just a few THOUSAND dollars :( Sadly, that is only about 1/3 of what needs to be done to get it all hot-roded out. Fixing up this truck is going to be quite time consuming and quite expensive, but DEFINITELY worth it!

So, I decided that for every Birthday/Christmas you will get something for the truck. I was so lost on where to start, but thought I would begin with replacing THIS:

It was time for this very sad, little mirror to GO. It would NEVER stay up and when it was in the correct position, it was so blurry you couldn't even see out it. It was pretty much useless!

After much waiting, we heard a ring at the doorbell to find this waiting for us:

{I only took a picture of the "popcorn" because I spent the next week finding it ALL over the house- SUPER fun!}

So, I go to install your mirror and the two parts don't fit together- one of the parts was too big. Why in the world would they send you parts that DON'T fit together. {I was just a tad annoyed} What the hek was I gonna do?

Hmmmmmmmm....

I knew I could call our good friend who is quite the do-it yourself handyman kinda guy. But I call with questions all the time and didn't want to annoy him with a "can you fix this for me?!?"

Shoot. WHAT TO DO?

THEN, I remembered about this:

YOUR Dremel.

{I was pretty sure a Dremel could sand down different materials}

When you were in remission, you had gone to the store and picked up this:

A 75 pc set for your Dremel.

I remember when you told me that you were going to buy it, I said, "OK" but inside thought, "Do YOU really need this?!?!?!"

Well, let me TELL YOU... I am sure glad you bought it!

I looked in the little manual to see what bit I needed to sand down metal.

FOUND IT:

SweeeeeeeeT!!!!

But THEN, I couldn't for the LIFE of me figure out how to remove the bit.

So whenever I don't know the answer/how to do something, I turn to Google.

I really do {heart} GOOGLE

Seriously, what would I do without it?!?

All ready to go:

and after about a good 30 minutes of sanding and re-fitting

It FINALLY fits:

Woot woot!

My little "helpers"

The first part of the installation

The second {and MAIN} part of the installation

YAY to a job WELL done

We LOVE it...

Hope you like it too!

***Happy Birthday My LOVE***

Thank you for blessing this world for 30 wonderful years

I hope everyday is a celebration for you, because YOU definitely deserve it.

{P.S.- I had to put some of your favorite songs to accompany this post :) }

All is well...

2011-03-17T10:33:00.008-07:00

Surgery day started bright and early. To my surprise, 2 of my favorite little people were awake too {they SHOULD have been in bed, it was 5am!} BUT, I was glad to see their cute little faces and tell them 'BYE' before I left.

The only benefit to being awake and on the road at 5:30am-Ummmm... nothing!

We got to the hospital, checked in and waited to be called to the pre-op area

They called my name and took me back.

It was time to get all ready: sign a few papers, change into the "HOT" hospital gown, meet the docs and get the IV started.

They left this out for me to wear and I left it off for a reason...

Waiting...

Happy and ready to go!

Dr. Klein came in, asked me which leg he was operating on, I told him and he marked it up.

Yes, THAT one:

The anesthesiologist came in to talk about risks and all that fun stuff. He offered to give me a femoral nerve block {which is basically like an epidural in your leg to help with pain post surgery} and I opted to get it. As he was getting everything ready, it ALL hit me and became more "real." It was at that point that I was trying to hold back tears because again, I missed my Ry. I took a deep breath and tried my hardest to be strong.

Before I knew it, they were wheeling me into the surgery room and asking me to move onto the surgery table. The last thing I remember is some lady telling me to breath oxygen from the mask...

Surgery went very well and I was home by 12pm that day. The pain wasn't bad at all, but the nauseousness was horrible. I was really tired and every time I started to drift off, I woke up because I wanted to throw up. The few times I did get up, I got really sick. Finally, by 6pm the nausea wore off and I felt 100% better.

Since coming home, I set this:

and spend much of the day {like 6-8 hours} in THIS machine

so my leg can constantly bend up and down to help with ROM {range of motion}

The day after surgery, I went to the Dr to get all my dressings taken off:

Dr K said everything is looking pretty good, that I need to work on fully extending my leg and that I can't get the incisions wet for 2 weeks :( I FINALLY took my first bath yesterday and it was WONDERFUL!

More pix of the swollen leg

another view for comparison sake

On to the good news...

I've been doing so well, that I actually upgraded my means of transportation.

Since I am now walking, I was able to ditch the crutches for this:

Ya, BE JEALOUS!

It has been great having my parents here. My dad has done a wonderful job keeping the kids happy and entertained and my mom is the best nurse EVER! I am so lucky to have them here because they are so much help!

All is well Babe...

I couldn't have asked for a smoother recovery.

~Love YOU tons~

What to expect...

2011-03-05T10:09:00.023-07:00

Wow, I've been JUST a little busy lately. Although blogging is ALWAYS on my mind, it's kind of the last thing I want to do when I've been at the computer for a while working on these:

I really do LOVE tax season- I look forward to it every year. I LOVE that I can do it from home, make use of my accounting degree, and work for a laid back/easy to work for boss{who's also a good friend and workout buddy :) } Except lately, ALL I want to do is kick my feet up and watch movies {and yes, I have been doing quite a bit of that} BUT, I do have good reasons...

Our city rec program has an adult coed soccer league that I joined last year with a bunch of friends. I LOVE soccer- I grew up playing and watching it. As an adult, it's nice to finally do something physical that I REALLY enjoy {because you and I both know that running is NOT something I LOVE!!!} The season had just started about a month ago and then,

THIS happened:

No this is NOT me, but I looked JUST like that!

{Ronaldo-one of the BEST soccer players ever}

I wish I had some cool story to tell about how it happened, but I don't. I stepped to my left and as my foot went down, I heard two cracking sounds and fell STRAIGHT to the ground in fetal position. I had INSTA-pain and went down grabbing my left knee {like picture above} and was kind of screaming and moaning because the pain was SO bad {JUST like picture above}

OUCH! It was horrible {DEF my worst.pain.EVER}

I got through it with the help of wonderful teammates and friends who {literally} carried me.

As painful as it was, the hardest part through it all was NOT having you there. As I laid on the sidelines, wondering what was wrong {because the pain was SO insane in my knee/leg} or what to do {should I go to the ER, go home, who should I call?} I JUST wanted you. I wanted you to hold me on that field and tell me everything was going to be okay. When you are in pain physically, it definitely makes things MUCH harder emotionally. I laid there and started crying because the pain was getting more and more intense and the thought of not having you there made me really sad and maybe a little frustrated too {the ANGER stage has been making its presence in this whole grief process lately}. Frustrated to be in pain knowing you were NEVER going to come and comfort me. Frustrated to be making calls to get babysitting and other arrangements made, when that was the LAST thing I wanted to deal with. Frustrated that I was having to rely on EVERYONE else. When really, ALL I wanted was YOU.

To put it lightly- it SUCKED.

I am though VERY grateful for my wonderful teammates who got me off the field, into the car and home with the most TENDER of care. VERY GRATEFUL to Dr. B, who of course came to my rescue and pulled LOTS of strings {again} to get my x-rays, MRI and apt with the orthopedic surgeon all taken care of within 1 day {Yes, he is AWESOME like that}. So THANKFUL for my {generous, loving and AMAZING} friends who stayed with me till 1 am {and offered to spend the night with me} to make sure that I was okay, watched my children so I could rest, made meals so I could stay off my bum knee, chauffeured me around to various apts, cleaned my house and those who stopped by to hang out so I could have someone to talk to- THANK YOU!

Have I mentioned that I am surrounded by the BEST friends EVER?

***I AM***

Since I tore my meniscus and fully ruptured my ACL, I will be having surgery on March 14th. I wasn't nervous at ALL until I watched this this video- I could have definitely passed on that one! The only reason I watched was because the kids kept asking ?'s that I didn't really have answers to. So I told them that we could find a video on YouTube...

Sure enough, we were all wide-eyed and slightly grossed out. Yes, I know it was NOT the best video to show young children, but it was the FIRST one that came up when I Googled it. {Google's fault, not mine!}

Really, the only benefit to all of this is that my parents will be here this upcoming weekend and I can't wait to see them! {...and yes, I can watch movies with my leg(s) kicked up and not feel SLIGHTLY guilty about it ;) }

So, my expectations of the weeks to follow are:

Lots of rest

Lots of movies

Lots of laziness

LOTS of pain

and LOTSa {catching-up} BLOGGING :)

Like always Babe, and probably a little more so...

MISSING YOU

Come away with me...

2011-02-12T07:52:00.023-07:00

It's almost Valentines Day- the holiday that I've always thought was a little SILLY. Why do people make an extra special effort ONE day a year? Shouldn't EVERY day be a special effort to let the someone special in your life know how MUCH you love them?!?

I am so grateful to have had you in my life to share and grow our love together. I think in this past year, you and I learned a lot about love. Love is NOT about words {sometimes you couldn't even talk to express it}, love is NOT about actions {sometimes you were too weak to hug or kiss}...but we ALL knew how much you loved us.

Love is deep, Love is REAL and Love is NEVER ending.

Love is patient, love is kind...

it...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails... but the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13 {LOVE is switched out for Charity-which is the PURE love of Christ}

Although you are not here, I don't need a card, flowers or that {OH so delish} waxy chocolate to let me know that I am loved.

Our past 10 years together was a constant display of your love,

...and for THAT, I am FOREVER grateful!

{Hallie did this 2 years ago in Kindergarten}

"Love is the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the

rainbow. Yet it is not found only at the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arched across the sky on a stormy day. Love is the security for which children weep, the yearning of youth, the adhesive that binds marriage, and the lubricant that prevents devastating friction in the home; it is the peace of old age, the sunlight of hope shining through death. How rich are those who enjoy it in their associations with family, friends, and neighbors! Love, like faith, is a gift of God. It is also the most enduring and most powerful virtue."

-Gordan B. Hinckley

On Valentines Day, I will celebrate with the OTHER loves in my life.

I have a bottle of cider in the fridge to do "cheers" with the kids.

Cheers to our love

~ and ~

Cheers for giving me a blessed 10 years with you in my life...

Love you HOT stuff!

Lots of hugs and LOTS of kisses

But, I do have one special Valentine's wish- visit me in my dreams

"I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof

while I'm safe there in your arms...

so all I ask is for you to come away with me in the night.

Come away, WITH Me...."

Celebrations...

2011-02-04T00:02:00.013-07:00

Today is a special day-it's your BIRTHDAY!

~Your 31st Birthday~

Of course it would be VERY easy to get sad about NOT being able to celebrate such a day with you. But we don't like to sulk around, so we will try to do the exact opposite. I asked the kids what they would like to do for your birthday and this is the list they came up with...

~Send balloons up to Heaven {I'm so glad we started doing this tradition}

~Go to Daddy's favorite restaurant -I asked what restaurant and this was Hallie's reply:

Hallie: The peanut butter one!!!

Me: What is the peanut butter one?

Hallie: You know, the one where you eat the peanuts and throw the shells on the floor?!?

Me: {Laughing really hard} Ohhhhhh, you mean Texas Roadhouse?!?

Hallie: Ya, ya THAT place

~Have a dance party with Dad's favorite music {we like music and we LovE to dance}

~Sing Happy Birthday and eat cake

~Play Dad's favorite game {not quite sure what that was :/}

~and then... we can watch Daddy's video! {the life slide show played at Ryan's funeral- I can't wait to share it with all of you when I get to finishing his TEAM RYAN blog...}

How awesome are those kiddos?!?

They just planned a super fun day for ALL of us in YOUR honor. Of course they did start adding in a bunch of activities THEY wanted to do and we may just slip a few of those things in as well;) But no matter what, we are going to make YOUR special day as happy and memorable as possible.

~Happy Birthday Ryan~

We LOVE You!

I hope you are enjoying an eternity of Heavenly celebrations...

RELEASE

2011-01-28T23:39:00.018-07:00

What a week...

2 sick kids :( and 1 momma that was VERY eager to get out of the house.

Friday came and everyone was finally feeling well enough to get out- WooHOO!

I was hoping everyone would be feeling a little better because I had a photo session scheduled for Friday with one of my favorite little men. Every month, I am lucky enough to shoot this {not so} little guy.

I just LOVE shoot days!

Look at those CHUBS:

LOVE it!

***

The rest of my free time last week was spent out in the garage trying to make a decorative shelf {yup, I watched that video about 20 times to figure out how to make it}. After the multiple trips to Home Depot and the extra this and that, I am starting to think that the $30 shelf at Michael's wasn't such a bad idea :) Oh well, I had a great time making a mess and using all those power tools {making you proud babe!}

When Friday night rolled around, my back was a little sore from squatting and doing everything on the floor.

Here is the ALMOST finished shelf {and my "work" boots!}

All it needs is one more sanding job and then I can start painting.

{of course YOU probably have NO sympathy for me and my sore back, since working in heels isn't the SMARTEST thing to do... but at least me feet looked cute in the process!}

As soon as it's done, it will get hung on the wall and then THIS 20x30 canvas print will be going right on top of it:

...and I cannot wait!

Since I had THIS guy out:

I figured I might as well sand down the kids play table and put a new finish on it. The iron and some water stains had left the table looking a little sad. But NOW, it looks like it did when we got it about 5 years ago!

YAY to a job well done...

What a fun way to get out of the house and release some stress...

Good thing everyone is back to feeling well. Some of the people you/we love MOST are visiting us this week- your parents :)

*LoVe U*

always

PS...

2011-01-26T00:39:00.007-07:00

So I am not one to use blogging as a platform for really anything, but tonight I watched a movie that moved me in SO many ways. It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. and really something I needed. I really don't know what else to say about it.

{The story is about a man who dies of cancer and leaves his wife letters that she receives over the next year. The movie takes you on her journey of healing and hope... }

If I wasn't laughing, I was crying{my therapy...} and if I wasn't doing either of those, I just sat there with a HUGE smile on my face. Not only did I feel this movie was very relatable, it taught me a lot as well. I really could just go on and on... it was wonderful {for me}.

***

Babe,

I am so grateful for the time you took to write these letters for me that I would receive after you passed. At times when I have felt so alone, I can read them and I feel as if you are RIGHT there saying those very words to me. I can't help but cry because I miss you SO incredibly much, but at the same time, I also know how present you are...

Thank you for everything- then, now and forever.

i.L.O.V.E.u

Today was a GREAT day!

2011-01-05T22:43:00.030-07:00

So I can NEVER say that I have had a bad day since you have been gone. Moments- most DEFINITELY, but they are just that. Sometimes it's a 20 minute bawl session of uncontrollable tears and sadness, where I so BADLY want you to just wrap your arms around me and let me know everything is going to be okay. Other times, it's watery eyes or a tear or two and I'm done. But each night since you have been gone, I have NEVER laid my head to rest thinking how HORRIBLE my day has been. I feel blessed and extremely grateful for the constant peace that enables me to feel that way.

So let me tell you about my day today:

Okay, so it kind of began yesterday...

Yesterday night the kids and I attended Tu Nidito, which is an AMAZING program for kids who have lost a loved one. The kids have been looking forward to going since our interview day last month.

It was everything I hoped it would be, and MORE.

Hallie and Max are both in the same group for 4-7 year olds called 'The Littles.' (They both frowned upon that name as they told me "...But I'm NOT little Mom!!!!!!" It was cute) At this program, the kids spend the first 45 minutes talking/crafting and the last 45 minutes playing. While the kids are doing their thing, I meet in a group with other parents whose children are in the program.

So after it is over, Hallie runs up to me and is talking SOOOO fast because she was SO excited to tell me EVERYTHING they did:

"Mom... Mom... look at what we made! It's a rhino and it's a picture frame. We can put a picture of our loved one in it- of ME and Dad!!!!! I did a rhino because that's what you call dad, Ryno. Remember Mom you always called dad Ryno?!? It's a rhino, like Ryno!!"

Hallie even showed me HOW and WHERE to put the picture. I had that rhino about 1 mm away from my eyeballs and that rhino horn nearly gouged my eye out and I didn't even mind!

She was talking SO fast, I finally had to tell her to calm down and SLOW down because she was getting a little crazy. The kids were SO happy and excited and I too had the biggest smile on my face. To see/feel that joy and happiness- PRICELESS!

I went to bed so incredible happy with the night. First, feeling so blessed for programs like Tu Nudito, so grateful for the people who volunteer and for those who give financially to make such a program a possibility. Lastly, for all those attendees whose participation uplifts, strengthens and inspires each one of us.

***

Then I woke up to get the little Misses out the door to school. She was excited about a new drop off location where they can walk to school with staff, so we made use of it. She normally takes the bus, but I drove today. I don't know why, but I feel like a better mom when I drive her. She was so excited to get to the drop off and see some firemen who were there too. She was happy, I was happy...good start to the day.

I got home, read my scrips, got the Bubbacito some breakfast and then we played Lego's.

Since we live in AZ, I was especially fond of this little guy:

Oh, I HEART Lego's.

We are definitely a Lego family!

This was actually one of my Christmas presents, the Toy Story Woody's Round Up- LOVE IT!

Then I headed over to the gym and got my booty kicked. It felt good at the time, but now... not so much!

Came home and played more Lego's and then then we packed a lunch and headed to a good friends of ours house. This friend you specifically asked to take care of me when it came to the CAR... and he has! While he changed the oil, his wife and I chatted away and we both kind of lost track of time. There is NEVER a shortage of words between the two of us (and I LOVE that about her and I) ;) Since school was out, I needed to head home to get Hallie. I left feeling VERY grateful to these friends and many other good friends that have taken care of me and the kids. It means more than they know and I know it means a LOT to you too!

After all the homework was completed, we went outside to get some things done.

If there is one thing that makes me feel REALLY proud of myself, it is when I do things that normally you would have done. So today, I refilled my window washer fluid. I know it may seem like no biggie, but when it comes to doing things under the hood of a car, I am usually NOWHERE to be found. Cars were YOUR thing, not mine.

So I got a little giddy popping the hood, finding where the fluid went and putting it in.

Go ME!

Then I pumped up Hallie's tire with another Christmas present... my new air compressor

...and used it fixed this WAY broken piano bench

with my NEW nail gun:

it's DANG sweeeeet!

Sometimes I get a little down having to be the only one to do things for our little fam. But days like today I feel joyed, loved and empowered. I know that we will get through this okay... and we are.

Life sometimes brings you lemons and like Mom always says, "MAKE LEMONADE!"

The lemonade was SWEET today baby and I loved it.

Here's to more of life's sweetness... it was a GOOD day!

~Love YOU~

I just couldn't help myself...

2011-01-03T22:15:00.023-07:00

So you know my L.O.V.E for photography.

Well, imagine.... Okay never mind, you don't even need to imagine because you already know how excited I get when it comes to taking and looking at pictures. I LOVE, love, LOVE to look at pictures and it doesn't even matter if I know the people or not, I still love it. But of course I love it even MORE when the pictures are of the people I LOVE the most- my FAMILY.

So as I was on my way home from our Christmas vacation, I got a text from my photographer friend Phil saying that the CD of our photo session was READY!

WOOT WOOT!

I seriously got all giddy in the car driving home because I was SOOOO excited!

He did an AMAZING job capturing what I wanted...

I wanted to include YOU somehow in our family pictures, but how would I go about that? How could I include you without it being "weird?!?"

Hmmmmm...

Then the idea popped into my head

Use the TRUCK!

Even though your time with the truck was short, you LOVED that thing. I knew it would be the PERFECT addition to our family photos.

Thank you Phil for beautifully capturing our little family :)

Here are just some of my favorites from the first part of our photo session:

Does this picture just make you SO happy/proud?!?!?!

Yup, that's right! There's your girl doing donuts in the middle of the desert, kicking up a ridiculous amount of dirt/dust. The kids and I LOVED it... it was pretty dang sweet!

This picture almost made me cry...

LOVE IT!

...and so did this picture:

When I first saw it, I could totally imagine this kid in about 13 more years doing this same exact thing, but not just posing in a picture, but driving this thing for REALS.

Your dream was to have this thing all fixed up by the time Max went to prom and I am not going back on what I said to you. It WILL get done, bit by bit. 13 years should give me enough time ;)

Your 3 FAVORITE peeps

I wanted to blog about our wonderful Holidays, but I just couldn't resist posting a few of our family pictures.

Hope you like them... I SURE do!

Love you so much- always have, ALWAYS will!

...the most WONDERFUL time of the year

2010-12-23T15:59:00.011-07:00

It really is.

Sending lots of love and thoughts your way...

Merry Christmas My Love!

Reflecting...

2010-12-16T22:50:00.009-07:00

I should be in bed right now, but sadly the computer is winning.

Why you ask?

Well, I started looking at old holiday photos of US together. Back when it was JUST us and then to the days when it was ALL of us...

Those were the days, look at those baby faces:

December 2002

Our first Christmas married and our 1st yr anniversary

(Hallie was around for these pictures too, but since she was only about the size of a Lego man you can't really see her ;)

...and then to December 2008

6 years and 2 kiddos later

Wish I could go back to this time 2 years ago...

LOVE my family and always LOVING you.

Cracks...

2010-11-30T22:10:00.010-07:00

Today was the day.

It was time for the dingy (and stinky) pink cast to COME OFF.

We headed to the Dr's office bright and early, ready to be rid of this "ball and chain":

Waiting for the Dr to come in

The Dr comes in and says, "Come with me, let's go take a look at the X-rays..."

He pulls them up, takes a few looks and then he says, "hmmm...."

(Hmmmm... what is THAT supposed to mean?)

"Well, it looks like she won't be getting it off today. I am really sorry! See that line... that CRACK right there? It's still broken... it still needs time to heal. Why don't you plan on coming back next week."

Sooooo, that means ONE more week of stinkiness, ONE more week of bathtime supervision, ONE MORE WEEK of this BALL and CHAIN!

As we are leaving, Hallie proceeds to tell me about what she does on the MONKEY BARS at school.

MONKEY BARS- WhAt?!?!?!?

Can you believe your daughter?

Dang cracks...

I saw another one today, except this one made me laugh!

Man o Man. What would I do without these two?!?

Love THEM... Love YOU

Miss you Babe- ALWAYS.

OUR adorable Birthday boy...

2010-11-22T13:31:00.064-07:00

A mom who likes to take photos + an adorable birthday boy = LOTS and LOTS OF PICTURES

(Consider THAT your warning ;)

This was 100% HIS choice of songs, he LOVES them!

***

On November 17, 2006 our life was greatly blessed with the addition of our sweet, baby boy:

Max HUNTER Hess

*Max is our SILLY boy*

He says funny things and will do crazy things just to make us laugh.

He loves his "STHith-tuh" and looks forward to her arrival after school.

Hallie is his BEST friend.

Max has always been the mellow-er of our two kids- he is a chill little guy (much like his Dad). He enjoys being outside, watching TV and LOVES playing on ANYTHING electronic.

He loves ALL things with motors. If it can go "vroom vroom" you will find him trying to drive/ride it!

He enjoys playing with (and on) cars/tractors and plays with Lego's on a daily basis.

He loves guns and pretend shooting and will use just about anything to be his makeshift "gun." He really likes tools and anytime he sees them he tries to "help" fix something.

I can't believe our Curious George watching, Where the Wild Things Are reading, itouch loving tot is now 4...

(Max LOVES watching Curious George EVERY morning and when Ryan saw this book he knew he had to get it for his little "monkeys")

?!?!Wow... 4... ReAllY?!?!

The night before, I got all the presents out so Max had something FUN to wake up to.

crepe papered his bedroom door:

Max woke up BRIGHT and early. He was SO excited to open presents...

BUT he didn't want to break through his door, so he spent the day getting in and out of his room like THIS:

(He loved it... but I got tired of it REAL fast)

***

After we got Hallie off to school, it was time to get some balloons and head off for a birthday photo shoot...

So this picture BEST describes Max's personality:

"How old are you Bubz"

~Smile Bubba~

Ha ha... I get this look A LOT:

It's called the "Seriously Mom?!? You want ANOTHER picture" look

Man oh man... what a handsome little feller WE have

***

After the shoot, we rushed home to get everything ready for the Birthday Party.

I wanted something EASY and no stress...

So I opted for a party at the park, ordered pizza and bought cupcakes. (Am I lazy, or just smart?!?!?! I say SMART!!!!)

Someone just had to take a little sneak peak...

(definitely his FATHERS son!!!)

Let the present opening BEGIN:

A POP gun

Who'd ever think sugary cereal would make a boy SO happy...

...that's what happens when your Mom doesn't buy it (I know, I'm mean like that!)

~Happy Birthday to YOU~

It was a fun party, but the fun wasn't over yet...

It was time to head off to the Tucson Children's Museum. Max LOVES the Children's Museum and asks frequently when we can go. He was SO excited to be going to his favorite place.

The excitement lasted only a short while because this BIRTHDAY BOY was out fast

The cat nap gave him all the energy he needed to let LOOSE and have a blast.

Children's Museum fun:

I love Max's little cheekies, they are getting less chubby as he gets older. Ryan always thought I was a little weird when I would say this, but I think they are so cute I just want to take a little nibble.

Yes, that's right...on those little cheekies right THERE:

***

Once home, we opened the remaining family presents:

sang the final Happy Birthday for the day

Max wanted another construction cake for his birthday. Definitely not my best work, but he was happy and that's ALL that matters!

***

Happy Birthday Bubz

Thank you for brightening our lives with your wit and laughter

~We love you~

***

It was a wonderful day. So glad we could ALL be there for it...

Feelings...

2010-11-18T22:21:00.015-07:00

So I am often asked, "How are you doing?"

My reply is usually, "Really good" (accompanied with a smile)

...and yes, I am usually doing JUST fine and that smile is completely genuine.

But then there are times, like RIGHT now, where I am just sitting here, looking at pictures and thinking about how good life was:

Two BEAUTIFUL children:

Ryan had a job/residency that he loved

We had a happy/healthy marriage (I am not trying to act like it was perfect, but it was really good. Did we get frustrated with one another- of course, who doesn't!?!??!)

We were VERY much in love and just enjoying life.

Then cancer came...

It changed a lot of things.

Am I angry?-No

Am I sad- YES

Do I miss Ryan?- INSANELY so...

So here I am listening to THIS song and I think about how wonderful things were. How I miss having my best friend by my side to talk to, laugh with, cry with, vent and complain to, annoy, tease and just love with ALL my heart.

That loving has not stopped, nor will it ever.

I miss you Babe, I miss everything WE had together.

I still remember hearing this song on the radio after having Hallie, she was only a week old and I had to return back to school and I just sat in the car crying because I thought of how lucky I was to be married to such an AMAZING person, who was now the father of our child.

And now I sit here crying because nothing has changed, you are STILL amazing and a million times more than I thought 7 years ago...

(Mother's Day 2010- one week before Ryan passed away)

***

"I am the man who will fight for your honor... I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the GLORY OF LOVE."

Thank you for being my EVERYTHING then, now and forever!!!!

Love you...

Just a baby...

2010-11-16T22:16:00.014-07:00

As much as I don't want to think about it- it's here.

Our baby boy is going to be 4 tomorrow!

WOW... where has the time gone?!? I swear he was just 18 months!!!!

This shirt DEFINITELY describes his personality:

As much as this little turkey drives me crazy, I can't help but smile because he always has me laughing- much like SOMEONE I know...

There is so much of you in him and I am SO grateful for that.

Tomorrow also marks your 6 month anniversary- it will be a bittersweet day. Days like tomorrow are hard because I just want SO badly for you to physically be here, but I know your love and goodness will be shining down upon your baby boy.

Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day... someone special is turning 4!

Again...

2010-11-11T20:47:00.039-07:00

Don't you just love them?

...the shoes ;)

These babies got me through 13.1 sometimes fun, sometimes not so fun miles. Thank you for showing me that good shoes DO make a difference.

♥I HEART my Podiatrist♥

After 2.5 months of solid training, I completed my 2nd Half Marathon along with my Dad and friend-Taralie.

My first experience was really neat, but this time around I really enjoyed doing a bigger race for a GREAT cause- Susan G. Komen Foundation.

I recently found out that a mother from Hallie's class, who is a Breast Cancer SURVIVOR, is now fighting through another bout of a different type of cancer. We decided to run in honor of her-Katrina. Even though this was benefiting Susan G. Komen, I will ALWAYS be a TEAM RYAN supporter, cancer is CANCER... so we ran as TEAM RYAN & KATRINA

***

The day before we left, our friend Emily came over to drop off a little pre/post race goodie bag.

Emily has also been training with Taralie and I, but she decided to pass on this race in order to do a race a few weeks later.

We arrived in Scottsdale and had to go straight to the Expo to pick up our goodie bag, bib and a few other fun things...

I love how our bibs were personalized... it made for a more FUN race :)

Hallie got this shirt at the Expo

~I LOVE it~

and my dad bought me this shoe charm:

He definitely was my running buddy for the race, but I'm pretty sure I had another running buddy that day too ;)

After getting all our "goods," we headed to our resort. It was so nice to spend the time with my parents and the kids. We went swimming, had a scrumptious pre-race dinner and then it was LIGHTS OUT at 9pm- we had an EARLY morning ahead of us.

We met up bright and early for the 7 am race

♥GO TEAM Ryan & Katrina♥

The race had over 4,500 runners, mostly women, who were all running to support the cause. The race had bands playing every 3 miles and had a really neat atmosphere. I loved running among all the PINK boas, tutu's, butterfly wings, hair bows etc.. it was REALLY fun.

However, the race started to be "NOT SO" fun for me around mile 11. I was DONE. I was tired physically and mentally. I SO wanted to stop and walk, but good thing my Dad was there to keep me chugging along. He kept me going those last two miles and then FINALLY we arrived at the finish line- THANKS Dad!!!

The start of the finish line stretch

OUR fan club:

Sadly, I wasn't able to see the kids or my mom as I rounded the HOME stretch, but I DID see a friend from church who belted out a loud, "GOOOO MARRRRRGIE!!!!!!!" to give me that much needed LAST push to the finish line.

I can't describe how sweet the reunion is after you've done a long race and you are reunited with your family. I really missed the kids during my race and I couldn't WAIT to see them. I really look at running much like life... the end may seem FOREVER away, but it IS there. There are definitely harder parts and easier parts, but you can and WILL get through them. You can choose to either complain the entire time or you can make the best of it. When you do finally see the end in sight you realize how insignificant those bumps in the road were along the way because all that matters at the moment is finishing. Most importantly, when you see those loved ones who are waiting for you and cheering you on, it makes it ALL totally worth it.

This was my first time seeing Hallie after the race... I LOVE this picture:

All the kids cared about was the medal. They wanted me to finish so they could get my (as Max calls it) "Golden Medal"

The Half-Marathoners

Taralie purchased these really cute and cool headbands that keep the sweat/hair out of your face...they say:

OPERATION shrink a booty

(I LOVE IT!)

♥FAMILY♥

GO TEAM RYAN & KATRINA

(Katrina just finished radiation and will be starting chemo this Tuesday- PLEASE keep her in your thoughts and prayers!!!)

Pink, Pink and MORE Pink

It was SO great to have Mom and Dad here...

Thank you guys for all the LOVE and support!

***

So, I did it Babe, again...

THIS time it was for you and every other fighter out there!

~Loving and missing you ALWAYS~

Negligence...

2010-11-02T16:58:00.013-07:00

So what happens when you get your cast completely soaked in the tub?

#1) Wake up with a WET cast

#2) It smells DISGUSTING!!!

Luckily for all of us, the Dr. was at the clinic by our house and squeezed Hallie in for a morning appointment.

I was pretty embarrassed to be bringing her back in today.

Let me give you a little background:

A typical bath would be like this:

The cast would be completely wrapped up and put on the ledge where I can see it at ALL times.

I think this next picture sums up how we BOTH feel about having a cast on, especially during BATH TIME:

So let me explain yesterday...

We were having a GRAND ole time watching the World Series as a family. I knew the kids both needed baths and it was only getting later and later. Finally, at 6 I said it was time for the kids to go and take their baths. Hallie came to me and asked me to wrap her arm. I told her not to worry about it, 'just be careful and stick your arm out of the tub...'

(I know what you are thinking)

So what REALLY happens when your mom is negligent and doesn't wrap your cast, help wash or just supervise?

You get out of school to go to the doctors office

Get your cast taken off with the SAW

...and get another BRIGHT pink new one

I don't think the Dr was too happy to see us, and sheepishly, I felt the same way too.

At least Hallie's cast is clean and new and...

THE GIANTS WON!

I know, I know. Definitely a "Mother of the Year" moment.

Sorry Babe, I promise to be a little more attentive to our kids in the future :/

~Love YOU~

Trick~OR~Treat

2010-11-01T16:17:00.051-07:00

Wow, I made it through last week... it was a CRAZY one. I definitely function better being busy, but last week was CRAZY busy. Meaning if there was a free hour, I packed something into that hour and then ran around like a mad woman trying to get everything done. I really do prefer being busy... it feels good at the end of the day to look at everything I have accomplished for that day.

So Friday morning comes and I rush around trying to get kids dressed and ready, breakfast and lunch made, and get Spider Girl out the door and BUZZ ready for preschool.

♥LOVE, love these two little faces♥

♥ ♥ ♥

...and I know you do too♥

Spider Girl waiting at the bus stop with our neighbor, the MoNsTEr BrIDe

~and~

Dracula and his little brother:

See you later, Spider Girl

Max's preschool class

♥Cuties♥

Then, it was time for Hallie's class party and boy what a treat that was...

The kids (and parents) were thoroughly entertained by THIS rockstar dad:

Taralie and I decided to keep past decades alive, she rocked a 1970's jumpsuit and me: TOTALLY 80's (I really do love the 80's, a LOT!)

The kids enjoyed a little Trick-or-Treating

...and I have enjoyed my fair share of chocolate and fruity candy.

I sometimes laugh at night as I'm eating candy and look over and see my growing pile of wrappers. Before, it was our pile of wrappers and usually your pile had more than mine. Oh well, someone had to regain that crown ;)

*Happy Halloween Babe*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post Halloween pits...

Today, I got a call from Hallie's teacher.

She was having a rough day at school and just really missing you. It broke my heart to hear that and then hearing her sob on the phone hurt even more. We talked and I tried my hardest to comfort her over the phone- that helpless feeling really stinks!

Luckily, I only had an hour before I could comfort her in my arms.

She walked off the bus with the biggest smile on her face. We got home and I asked her if everything was okay. First I got a yes, and then the tears did all the talking...

She wanted her Daddy to go Trick-or-treating with her.

She misses having you come home from work to play with her.

She wants you to tuck her in every night like you once did.

She wanted you to be sitting at the table with us...

For Hallie, today was just one of those days.

Once she cheered up, I told her we should have a FUN Family Night and

do "CHEERS" for the Giants game tonight.

(CHEERS in our household means using the nice glasses to drink a little sparkling cider)

Hallie and Max were SO excited. We all LOVE doing "CHEERS!"

Instead of sparkling cider, we made up our own little bubbly concoction with Sprite, pineapple juice and DRY ICE. It was DE-LISH.

"CHEERS to the GIANTS"

The night ended on a pretty happy note. Kids got to do CHEERS, Giants won the World Series

and on a less happy note:

Hallie soaked her cast in the tub.

After an emotional afternoon, we had a fun-filled night and I know it made you happy, to see how happy we were tonight.

Cheers to you Babe, Love you

Like Mother, like daughter...

2010-10-25T21:49:00.015-07:00

Yup, can you believe it? Same month (and even same arm), just a few years apart. Crazy!

She was a trooper. I didn't see it, I saw it seconds later as she was walking down the sidewalk, crying really hard and holding her limp, little arm. In the distance I see her bike sprawled across the sidewalk. I knew immediately, I could tell just by how she was holding her arm. Of course, my first thought was, "watch over your little girl... just watch over her." My next thought, call Mom to see what to do. (My mom is a nurse)

Me: Mom I think Hallie broke her arm... what do I look for?

Mom: Margie, don't look for stuff... just get her to the hospital!!!! Get her some Motrin, a stick or something to stabilize it and some ice.

Luckily, I was with a good friend who took Max so I could just focus on Hallie and get her to the doctor.

The next and best part was as I was on my way to the Urgent Care, I see a family friend who is a doctor. I call him and ask if he could look at Hallie's arm. He looked at her arm and thought she definitely needed to go see a doctor. Then he worked his magic... within two hours she had her x-rays done, medicine ordered and got in to see the Orthopedic Surgeon who put on the cast:

Can you believe that... TWO hours! I still can't believe it. It was 2:30pm on a FRIDAY! Dr. B definitely worked some magic (and yes, pulled a few strings). Thanks Dr. B!

Hallie was so excited when they told her the options for cast colors. As soon as they said pink, I think she stopped listening. Her little heart was set on PINK!

So here she is, proud of her new friend:

This friend will hang around for the next month and half.

Thanks for watching over her, and me...

I miss you- ALWAYS.

What I've been up to...

2010-09-24T17:06:00.011-07:00

Here is the FUTURE of Dear Ryan

Hope you like it Babe!

(Don't worry... I promise to not stay up until the wee hours of the night blogging.)

Love you SO much!

~Loving and missing you ALWAYS~

Dear Ryan

I'm ALIVE (just not in the blogging world)

Lots of HAPPENINGS...

I am SO grateful

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

SO happy!!!!

I'm BACK...

A year ago today...

I laugh, I cry, I smile...

Fun in the SUN

Easter

I blogged...

Selfishness, tears and never-ending LOVE...

Words that inspire...

LoVe...

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

♥

*31st* Birthday Celebrations...

All is well...

What to expect...

Come away with me...

Celebrations...

RELEASE

PS...

Today was a GREAT day!

I just couldn't help myself...

...the most WONDERFUL time of the year

Reflecting...

Cracks...

OUR adorable Birthday boy...

Feelings...

Just a baby...

Again...

Negligence...

Trick~OR~Treat

Like Mother, like daughter...

What I've been up to...

31st Birthday Celebrations...